Purgatory

What is the point of Joy-Amy?
It’s been a hard couple of weeks and I have another hard few weeks coming with the changing over of medication.
But to be honest, it’s been a hard six months or so.
I have no goals anymore.  I have no career aspirations, no pipe dreams and no romantic leanings. I currently just exist in my space. I wake up and think “I should get up.” And a voice replies “Why?”

I’m not saying that I get no enjoyment from life because I do. Well, not so much at the moment but that’s a medication thing and that will hopefully be sorted in a few weeks.  But I just seem to have no…….. point. No direction.

I’m not suicidal either. I have had moments of that in the past but it’s not that I don’t want to be alive. It’s that I do want to be alive and at the moment I don’t feel like I am.

I’m not sure how to find a goal.
Want to be an actress? You can barely cope with working part time.
What about doing voice over stuff? I have no money for soundreels or membership for the websites you need to be part of and no knowledge of how to get an agent. I’ve done so many voiceover things and short films with the promise of a copy for my showreel that has never actually turned up.
Look for someone to love? I don’t believe romantic love actually exists outside of films anymore.
Find a job that makes you feel like you make a difference? I’m a broken woman with Chronic Fatigue, my work options are really limited.
Find a way to make yourself healthier? Maybe this should go under the “Pipe dream” heading. I did actually buy a book about eating in a way that would help my condition. It was so complicated it was clearly written by somebody who either a) had the energy in the evening to cook this stuff or b) had somebody coking it for them.

I feel so damn lonely all the time.  I’m sure other people would love to be sat in bed at 10.30am writing blogs. All I feel is alone.

I know I try to make my blogs upbeat as much as I can. I’m afraid I have no beat to get up to right now.

I think I’ll go back to sleep now.

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One thought on “Purgatory

  1. Oh Joy-Amy, I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this at the moment and I can’t really give any platitudes or advice as I feel pretty much the same.

    I was only yesterday telling my psychotherapist that I think I’m having an identity crisis as everything I worked hard to become is no longer possible.

    I’m going to dye my hair, I’m hoping that will give me a confidence boost. But know this, your blog helps fellow sufferers and that is a bigger deal than you might realise. X

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